Two Men and Peru

When I was down in Ecuador, I had an interesting experience with two men who helped me get into Peru. Looking back – well, it’s embarrassing looking back, so I try not to do it too much with this story – but looking back I would have done several things several different ways. Yet, it was still an fun couple of days.

So, basically, if you were a poor, weary traveler in Ecuador then you traveled by bus. Since I was a smart poor, weary traveler – I traveled by nite bus. The whole time I was in Ecuador I really wanted to go to the two countries that bordered us: Columbia and Peru. Columbia is a whole ‘nother story, but one weekend I did decide to go to Peru. It was about 15 hours away by bus. So early one evening I boarded a bus destined for Peru…and I was sitting next to destiny.

Actually, I wasn’t sitting next to destiny. It was more like stupidity. Actually, no, stupidity was who I met when I got off the bus. Ah, but enough attempts at humor. I digress.

In reality, I ride on this bus all nite and into the next morning. When we finally pulled up at the border of Ecuador and Peru, I pulled my sweaty self off of the seat, grabbed by way-too-big backpack, and got off the bus. Immediately when I got off the bus, I was bombarded by dozens of Peruvian men vying for my attention (and money). They all wanted to help me get across the border. So – being the innocent fresh meat that I was – I went with the guy who was yelling the loudest. That’s just the principle I live by.

Without a word he shuffled me quickly over to a waiting car. I got in the backseat and he and his friend were in the front seat. We started driving before we even started talking (not the wisest course of action). The following conversation ensued. I will translate it into English here.

Me: I need to go to Peru.
Them: Yes, yes, Peru. We will help you. Yes.
Me: So you know how to get me into Peru?
Them: Yes, yes, Peru. We will help you. We are helpers and friends.
Me: Umm, where are we going right now?
Them: (silence).

So now that I had confirmed what was going on and still very confused, we continued driving. After driving about 2 minutes through this marketplace that kept getting more narrow and more narrow, we arrived at this makeshift parking lot. From there we walked for about 40 minutes through another marketplace and to a different car. When we got in the car, the guys asked me if I had my papers. I looked blankly at them.

So after walking back to the car and driving to the Ecuadorian Immigration Office, we then drove back to the parking lot, walked the 40 minutes back to the other car, and started driving. We drove for about an hour to this small office: Peru Immigration Center. Once we got there, the guys told me that I needed to give them my passport and that they would then go and talk to their friends. At this point I still really don’t know who these guys are, I have literally no idea where we are or even what country we are in, I have no idea how to get back to Quito, and I am keeping a firm grip on my backpack and the door next to me unlocked. After much haggling, I finally gave them a copy of my passport and some American granola bars. They said this would suffice.

I sat in the car alone for about ten minutes. Then all of a sudden the two guys come back running. They sprint to the car, jump inside, and put the pedal to the metal getting out of there. At this point, I didn’t even ask what happened. I simply held onto my backpack and kept the door unlocked. But – after some more interesting maneuvers through markets and a quick business deal later – we finally made it back to the bus station. They then told me that I owed them 200 dollars each for their services. Riiiiiiight. We haggled some more and finally came to an agreement: 10 dollars each…and another granola bar.

Guys, which hero would you want to be?

Okay, here is a really interesting question that I have been thinking about lately. If you could be any of the movie/literature heroes out there, guys - which one would you want to be? (p.s. this is a very different question than determining which is your favorite superhero. There are a lot of different factors that come into play here).

Indiana Jones - He's an archeologist. He is a professor. He has a doctrate degree. He is pretty cool and does something that almost nobody else does in the world. It's kind of a cool gig.

Batman - Batman would be pretty cool. First of all, he's loaded. He has like billions of dollars and kind of runs this huge company. He fights crime with thousands of cool gadgets at nite, and he has Alfred basically do everything for him.

Jack Ryan - This is an interesting one. Jack Ryan is doing very well financially. He is basically a genius. He has a habit of getting himself into sticky but awesome situations that have a large stake in world government. He works for the CIA. He has a great family.

Harry Potter - You might not put this one in there, but I think that it is a good one. He has a ton of money (wizard money, but still). He has all kinds of powers. He has a cool scar on his head and an awesome history/lineage. He has all kinds of adventures and gets himself into the most interesting and cool stories.

Neo - This one would be kind of cool. First of all, he is the "One". That is cool. He can do basically anything in two different worlds. He is very cool, and he has a dedicated girlfriend.

Ethan Hunt - He has almost any resource that he needs. He is kind of a like a hero-consultant who doesn't have to work all the time. He can do almost anything. And he is generally pretty cool.

Jack Bauer - Ummm, need I say anything more?

Jason Bourne - He can literally do anything...at any time. He is awesome. He can disappear. He can figure out any situation. And he seems like a pretty good guy.

Spiderman - He is a scientist. He has a very cool girlfriend. He is a good guy who is naturally humble. He has a crappy job, but he also doesn't need much. Oh, yeah, and he is Spiderman.

Superman - He is a newspaper reporter. He has a great family (even though he is an alien). He has a killer body (p.s. what would happen if he got fat? Would his fat be bulletproof?). He can fly. Oh, yeah, and he can fly.

So just from these guys there is a lot to choose from. You could be someone who has super-human abilities. You could be someone who is filthy rich. You could be someone with a family or without. You could have all kinds of cool adventures or you could have the regular adventures.

Which one would you want to be?

Food and Drink Quandries

Ok, three things. And, let me thank you in advance for putting up with my complexities, idiosyncrecies, dry sense of humor, and poor spellmanship. Your efforts are appreciated.

Ok, here are three things that I - just - don't - understand.

1) The entree of Biscuits and Gravy: I almost go into hysterics every time I see it on a menu. It is actually considered a meal. And that blows my mind. It's a side item and a condiment! Put together! It's like adding up 1/2 (side item - biscuit) and 1/4 (condiment - gravy) and coming up with 9.99! It's just ridiculous! Most every single entree comes with a biscuit. And then you can just ask for gravy... and they just give it to you! The meal of biscuits and gravy will forever blow my mind. And people think they're getting ripped off at the gas pump...

2) Broccoli Soup: Seriously? When I first heard about this type of soup I literally thought it was a joke - like a practical joke. Are you for real? Do I want to eat a whole cup of cheese and broccoli? What do you think? Ok, let's separate these two things. One, broccoli has the worst reputation of all the vegetables. Nobody likes broccoli. Two, ummm, without the broccoli, it would just be a cup of cheese. I am just trying to figure out what went through the chef's head when he was making it. "Hmm, well, so far I just have a cup of melted cheese. What can I put in there to make this an awesome soup? Oh, of course - broccoli." I rest my case.

3) Coffee: Ok, granted, this one is more of a stretch, but, please follow me on this exchange.

Kenton: Hey, what are you drinking?
Zac: Oh, it's coffee. I'm trying to get used to it.
Kenton: What do you mean?
Zac: Oh, well, I can't stand how it tastes. So I have to put a bunch of sugar and creamer in it and all that stuff to even get it down.
Kenton: Why?
Zac: Well, I'm trying to get to like coffee. I figure I can drink it with all this stuff in it and slowly take the stuff out. Maybe in like a year or two I can just drink straight coffee.
Kenton: Why don't you just drink something that you like?
Zac: (silence).

I mean, for real? If you have to put all that stuff into it just to drink it and it still tastes really bad, why are you even doing that? Why? I don't think I will ever understand coffee (although, I should start to drink it).

Good times.